THE LULU CHRONICLES
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| LuLu, my pink bike |
I’m back in the saddle again, LuLu’s saddle that is. It’s been a while; a
long winter, a long period of mourning and a long, long, period of simply not
being motivated. I’m trying to find my way, find a path that works for me, and
figure out what all belongs in this new life I’m forced to create. Well, LuLu,
my pink bike, is one of those things that belong. She was a gift from my late
husband, a birthday present. When I’m peddling down the road, I’m happy. She’s
good for me physically and emotionally. And, while riding this pink bike I find
I am more receptive to new thought, clearer thinking, and possibilities, lots
of possibilities. Like the other morning it dawned on me that if I wanted to, I
could move to Ireland; Or, that I actually now have the time to read War and Peace.
I don’t want to, but I could. It’s a possibility.
The trouble and blessing of trying to build a new life after the loss of
someone you love, is deciding stuff. The
what now questions are endless.
Fortunately, I do not have to decide anything before its time, but eventually,
I must.
LuLu reminded me that I am now in Act Three of my adult life’s journey.
Act One was the college years, the inaugural plunge into adulthood. Big
questions, Big answers, life changing consequences. It’s an extremely important
Act, but it’s relatively short.
Act Two was the married, raising family years. My Act Two lasted forty-two
years. Three kids, nine grandchildren, several careers, and one husband later
the run comes to a close. Of course, the kids and grandkids are sliding into
Act Three quite comfortably, but the days of partnership, shared vision and
two-by-two are over. My anchor has been pulled and the drift has begun.
Act Three is now. I’m surrounded by people who love me, yet I am alone. And
for a gal who went from her childhood home, to a dorm full of girls, and then
directly to a marriage and then children, aloneness is a whole other animal. I
have never eaten alone, gone to the movies alone, or traveled alone, until now.
In the past, my choices formed who I was. I’m sure they still will, but they
are not as clearly presented as they were in Act Two. Today’s possibilities are
foreign to me when I walk them alone; they are something I read in a book, or
admired in others, or scare the hound out of me if I think about them for too
long.
Act Three. Oh, boy. Just thinking about it the other day on LuLu made me
peddle faster. LuLu must have thought a bee stung me. However, in her pink bike
way, she eventually made me slow it down, catch my breath, and allow the
present to rule over the future, or the past. She spoke in her own way and
said, “Peddle steady, keep your eyes on the road, and you need more padding in
your shorts.” I translated that as—take it slow, don’t look back, and be
prepared.
Act Three is full of possibilities, scary, exciting, breath-taking,
terror-filled possibilities. The
choices are all mine. Ireland or Madison, WI? Tolstoy or Harper Lee? Make lampshades
or write a book? Find a job or NOT! Pink bike or . . .
“God, I don’t want to
be here. I do not want to be anywhere. I don’t want to do this. It is such a
battle to keep my eyes forward. I’m disappointed You didn’t give me what I
wanted. Still, I find myself constantly looking to You for direction,
affirmation, and for healing. You are not Santa Claus. You are Father, THE
Father, the one who knows best. The one who loves me beyond measure. I know
this. I trust this. Yet, I am afraid to be so alone with myself. Show me how.
Please, show me how.” Amen.
