I will act ...

THE LULU CHRONICLES

Remember, LuLu, my pink bike? About three years ago my husband gave her to me for my sixtieth birthday. He wanted to get me an iPad. I asked for a bike instead. Since Gary’s death I haven’t had the heart to ride her much. This summer was a hard one. I barely rode LuLu. I didn’t water my flowerbeds not even once (thank goodness we had a lot of rain). My potting shed became a catch-all of random tools and extension cords and what-not. Sadly I didn’t plant one new flower. These were things I loved to do. Mourning takes so much energy and causes a thousand little deaths.

But, here’s the deal: This morning I decided I’m going to act myself into a better way of feeling. Gary and I subscribed to that philosophy throughout our life together. Just because you don’t feel like doing something, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it. Okay, I’m sad. I may be sad forever. But I’ve decided it’s time not to act sad. If I act like I’m not sad, by playing with my grandchildren, taking my pup, Atticus, for a walk, or riding my pink bike, then one day, just maybe, possibly, I’ll wake one morning and actually not be sad. See, act yourself into a bettering way of feeling.

 My Bible reading this morning was Psalms 3:3 I should quit being surprised when I randomly turn to a passage and it seems like it was written that morning just for me.

“But You, O, Lord, are a shield about me, my glory, and the lifter of my head. I cried aloud to the Lord, and He answered me from His Holy Place. I laid down and slept; I woke again, for the Lord sustained me. I will not be afraid...”

Mourning has a component of fear to it. When you lose someone you love, you fear you will never feel normal again. You fear you will never smile again. You fear that you will become invisible and eventually become just a smudge on a window. You fear you’ll forget what joy feels like. Yes, there is so much to fear about being left alone without a hand to hold. But you know what? Every night for the last year I’ve gone to sleep and every morning I have awakened unharmed. Mourning has not killed me. It has not run off my children and grandchildren. My friends still surround me. My mom still loves me. A sunrise still takes my breath away.

Oh, God, You are my shield! You have held me up!

Okay, it snowed four inches last night, so I guess LuLu will have to snuggle up in the garage for a little while yet. And, I don’t feel like turkey, dressing and pumpkin pie, or remembering what all I should be thankful for. But, I’m going to do it anyway. I’m going to bake a  pie, smash some potatoes, make cranberry sauce and as we watch the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade, I am going to teach my granddaughters how to make napkin rings for our Thanksgiving table. And one day, hopefully, sooner than later, I’ll enjoy those things again.

“I cried aloud... and He answered me... He sustained me. I will not be afraid...”

I will act grateful.

Happy Thanksgiving, dear ones.

dc

I want to be there...

THE LULU CHRONICLES

What to write about? Are you bored with me yet? Sometimes, I am. I can’t seem to burst through this clouded bubble I find myself in. I’m tired of including myself in my own prayers. I’m tired of making a decision one day and doubting it the next. I’m tired of the lack of clarity. I’m tired of God.

I didn’t mean to write that last sentence. I had no intention of writing that sentence. I haven’t even thought that sentence until right this minute. But, if I am to be honest I guess it’s true. I am tired of God. I’m tired of Him making me guess. I’m tired of this code language He seems to speak. I’m tired of weeping and begging for clarity and not receiving it.

I think I finally get the rebellious attitudes of the Israelites of long, long ago. You know, the whiny ones? God led them and fed them with such awesome flair, yet they still whined. I mean God placed this huge bonfire in the sky every night to remind them that He was standing by. During the day this incredible cloud probably the size and bulk of the Grand Canyon led them through the hot desert. Can you imagine the shade that thing offered? And, to top it off, He made their supper every night. If I were a woman back in the day who herded the goats, took care of the fourteen sons every man seemed required to sire, and was expected to make all of their clothes right down to their sandals, I don’t think you would have heard one ungrateful chirp from me when supper came floating down from the sky. Even with all the hands-on guidance and nurturing, God still made them wander in circles in the desert for 40 years! Forty years! Manna or not, they had to be tired, right? No wonder they built that silly cow idol thingy. That stupid hunk of gold made about as much sense as God did to them. “Feed us.  Give us a road map.  Then lead us around in circles until most of us die off. What’s the point?” Yep, they were tired.

Don’t get me wrong. God has taken care of me.  Since the day Gary died, He has crowded the room with His Presence. Yet ... I’m still tired that every step has been so ... so ... so like a guessing game.

Yep, I’m tired. I’m saying stupid things. Things that don’t make sense. Things I don’t even believe. Things I don’t mean. I’m not tired of God, not really. But, I do wish He’d fire up that pillar just for one night. Write something on a wall. Give me a dream or a vision.

I’m tired. I want ... to be there already. This one step in front of the other; This breathe in and breathe out; This one day at a time business is breaking me down.

I’m so very tired.

“Father, forgive me.”

New. Different. Change.

My footprints. My new direction.

THE LULU CHRONICLES

Once again I have been remiss in my blogging duties. At this stage of my life, things keep getting away from me, little things like hours, days and even months. Is it just me or does time speed up as we age? Like before age 50 you’re struggling to climb up a mountain, after 50 you loose your footing and start sliding quickly down the other side over boulders and thorns and all things sharp.

My mourning journey is now one year and one month down the road. I can already tell the second year is going to be just as hard, but in a different way. The first year was all about survival. Breathe in and out. One foot in front of the other. Change out of your PJs. Life was accomplished in very small chunks. Year two, it seems is about decisions, questions that will not relent until they are answered.

What now? These words follow me around like a shadow. They are prickly, haunting at times and seem about twelve feet tall. Gary and I lived our lives on the move. We were doers. We were out there amongst the masses, hopefully making a difference, hopefully pleasing God. These days I find myself longing for the sidelines and being at ‘one’ with the wallpaper. Quiet rooms are havens. My world is full with just the dog, and me and sometimes the dog isn’t all that welcomed. I want to shake this cocooning phase, but I find myself just wanting to burrow myself in deeper. Surely this will pass, won’t it?

In the last few days I have been able to make some big decisions. I am selling my house and now I know that I am moving to another city to be close to one set of grandbabies. Their parents either feel like they’ve won the lottery or gotten the short end of the straw. Only time will tell. But thankfully, I was welcomed by all sons and their families ( right, Nathan?) and had a hard decision to make. I have chosen and the thought of receiving daily hugs from a grandchild or two (or four) is more longed for than air or water. I am at peace with this decision.

A new house, a new town, a new church, and some new friends. However, dear old friends, please don’t erase me from your address book. I still need you. I will always need you. We raised our children together and built a church together. We are bonded at the heart and nothing will ever change that.

New. Different. Change. Those words have elected presidents. Yeah, I know, it’s not always worked out. But, I guess it’s up to me to see that it does in my life, my new life. Keep praying for me, please. My legs are shaky and the yearning to sit crossed-leg in the back of a dark closet is strong. Your help will always be welcomed.

“Beloved Father, hold me close and don’t let go. Strengthen my grip so I won’t either. Heal our broken hearts. Make us stronger, kinder, more loving, more vulnerable, humble and resolved. Teach us how to do all of the above without too much sorrow. We thank You for Your faithfulness. We thank You for new beginnings. We thank You for the thumps we receive from the Spirit. Without them we would be completely clueless. We love You. We love Your Son.”

Amen

44 . . .

-->

THE LULU CHRONICLES

October 23, 2014

Today, Gary and I would have been married forty-four years. If my life had gone as planned today we would have been together in Door County, Wisconsin hiking the chilly shores of Lake Michigan. We have gone there almost every anniversary from number ten on. Our traditional celebration would have included a chocolate/caramel/pecan Granny Smith apple, a steak dinner at the Glidden Lodge, a hike through Peninsula State Park, a walk along the shore looking for a heart shaped rock (which we always found), and an anniversary purchase at one of the antique stores in the area; Lots of holding hands and lots of talk about our future and our dreams for the coming year.

It was very different today, but not unpleasant. If you’ve tuned in to my blog the last few days you would know that I am in Florida with my friend, Judy. The main reason we’re here at this particular time is so I wouldn’t have to spend this day alone with just my memories. We are here so I can reclaim this day from the clutches of sorrow and loss and restore it to its proper place. This is the day that I want to always remember as one of my very best days.

 Forty-four years ago today, Gary and I were in Florida standing before a preacher (who happened to be my brother) in a little pink church building. We made promises and then sealed our vows with a ring and a kiss. I’m here to tell you that we kept those vows. And, that’s something I want to always celebrate and remember without hesitation.

Thanks to my friend, Judy, this day came and went with only a tiny bit of sadness. While Gary was never far from my mind, this day was not lost to weeping and longing. It was a day spent relaxing on the beach and jumping waves in the Atlantic. It was a day of collecting shells and even rescuing a jellyfish that had gotten stuck on the shore. It was a day of quiet talk, laughter and a great meal.  

It was a good day.

As for our Thelma & Louise Vacation experience, I have pulled ahead in the bad driving contest, but no speeding tickets today. Judy has now actually gotten into the ocean twice, albeit not without some whining. We have one more full day to pretend that we have no cares in the world and that we are independently wealthy and hiding out from the paparazzi. What’s on the agenda for tomorrow you ask? Salt water, sand and beach chairs.

Later,

deb

DAY TWO...

THE LULU CHRONICLES

MY FRIEND, JUDY

Hey, Folks. I’d like to introduce my friend, Judy. She is my guest blogger today. Enjoy!

I’m on vacation with my friend, Debbie. We have been friends for nearly forty years, and that’s a long, long time. We first met when her oldest son was 18 months old and we bonded immediately. We had so much in common—our husbands were both ministers. Debbie’s brother was a good college friend of my husband, Don’s, we all wanted to do mission work, and we all loved to laugh. That seemed like a lot in common.

Over the past forty years, Deb and I have learned that we actually have more differences than likenesses. So, yesterday as she was enjoying the great outdoors like a raving maniac and I wasn’t, she asked, “Why are we friends?” I couldn’t answer. We have such a bond but it makes no sense. Let me give a perfect example of why I have come to that conclusion.  We came to Florida because Debbie loves it here. She loves the ocean and the sand; it “fills her soul.” I find that this fine sand gets everywhere, sticks to my legs and feet, messes up a newly vacuumed car, and so on. Deb feels the healing power of the salt water, loves the way the waves explode up to the shore, and feels God’s power in every wave. I feel like my skin is shriveling from the salt in the water even more than it is from aging. It feels weird to me when the tide rolls in and moves the sand under my feet. I’m not on solid ground and I don’t like it. The ocean is teeming with all manner of strange creatures that might suck on my toes, or worse. I’d much rather enjoy the chlorine-filled pool that is closer to the house surrounded by concrete, which doesn’t dirty up my feet.

My friend is an encourager to me. She makes this realist stretch. She makes this non-adventurous soul step out of her comfort zone. Yesterday without her encouragement I would not have gone on a two-mile bike ride, especially after falling over in the driveway before we even got started. I would not have parked ‘said bike’ and hiked back to this point to watch the sunset, all the while being eaten by mosquitoes. Also, my singing would not have been drowned out by a locust, or cicada or katydid (we can’t decide which it was and don’t want to know). And, I certainly would not have gone into that freezing water at the pool while even more mosquitoes were chewing on me. I loved our trip to the beach today, but I wasn’t planning to go into the salty ocean. Once again, my sister encouraged me until I got out there with her.

Only two people in my life have made me want to stretch so much, my husband and my best girlfriend. “Thank you God, for both of them. And thank you for this week on the beach.”

Yesterday when Debbie wrote her flowery descriptive words in this blog describing the sunset, I asked her if she really thought that way. When she asked how I thought about it, I replied, “I thought it was real purdy!” She’s working on stretching my vocabulary as well.

Judy

Day One...

THE LULU CHRONICLES

The Frugal Sisters do Florida-

      My friend, Judy, and I are on a Florida vacation together. It is a minor miracle that we survived the 15 hr drive, but here we are. We’ve been keeping score how many times each of us has nearly killed us both, and so far, Judy is winning. Her car has a really, really bad blind spot. So, she’s almost hit a passing car four times. As for myself, I’ve only done it twice. However, I did get pulled over for speeding right before we crossed the Florida line. That did bump me up a notch, and the fact that it cost me the same as a really good massage is a bug in my craw. The fact that Judy keeps bringing it up does show me what kind of a person she truly is.

     Our first day here was great. We ate our breakfast on the screened porch overlooking the channel with a lovely crane entertaining us with its fishing prowess. For lunch we met two of Judy’s sisters, and then back ‘home’ for a bike ride and a dip in the pool. The highlight of the day was riding our bikes to this point that juts out into the water to watch the sunset. We were a little early but there was a lone bench out on the point so no matter... until the mosquitoes found us. Someone forgot to tell them that it’s October and they should all be dead by now. Well, there was no way we could sit still on that bench without getting eaten alive, so I clipped off some dried palmetto branches and gave one to Judy and kept the other for myself and instructed my friend to dance. So, we did, for ten minutes or so we paraded around the bench dancing and swatting our hearts out. We resembled some really old fan dancers at the nursing home. The sun took its own sweet time sinking into the horizon. At one point I could have sworn the thing had decided to climb back up into the sky. But finally, after much sweeping, swatting and dancing, we were rewarded with the glorious sight that only God, himself could orchestrate. Oranges, golds, and pinks burst across the sky and did their own dance. All the swatting was worth it. I just hope no one was sitting on their porch with binoculars.

     All in all, it was a good day. What I love about my life today? A good friend who isn’t afraid to dance, and a God who gave her to me.

Blessings, friends.

deb

Year Two . . .

The Frugal Sisters

THE LULU CHRONICLES

And so the second year of my new life begins. I wished I felt as happy and confident as that statement sounds. My new life. There’s a whole lot I do not like about my new life. But, I’m not going there. Today, I’m going to take a brief look back and then turn and keep moving. 

Since I’ve been on my own I’ve taken on some new endeavors. In this last year, I’ve traveled to Guatemala on a mission trip, taken up archery and started painting. I kind of feel like the mom/wife character in the movie, Elizabethtown, who after her husband died, enrolled in a cooking class, a tap dancing class, and took up interior design all at the same time. But, please don’t worry about me; I’m just trying to figure it out as I go along. Nothing I’ve tried is completely out of the blue. I’ve always wanted to do foreign missions. When an opportunity presented itself this summer, I took it. For several years now, I’ve wanted my own bow. I was pretty good at archery in school and, I don’t know, I was hankering to shoot something. And, for years now I’ve wanted to learn to paint, to doodle around in acrylics and watercolor, so I bought myself some art supplies and started playing with colors. Am I any good at any of this stuff? Archery? Yes. Painting? Not really, but it’s fun. Missions? It’s a calling.

It’s been a long year and now it’s time to shed the old skin.

Of course that’s easier said than done. After a great loss, rebuilding is excruciating, but necessary. The only other alternative is to lie down and wait to die. That’s not my style. I figure, as long as our great God has given me life, I need to do something honorable with it . . .  and a wee bit fun.

So here’s what’s next for me. I’m selling my house and moving somewhere. Don’t know where yet, but I will. And as of last week, I am the proud owner of a 1987 Ford Encore Eldorado RV. With only 19,000 miles on the old gal, I figure she has some life still left in her. It had always been my husband and I’s dream to purchase an RV and hit the road. Our plans were to do that this summer, however, that didn’t happen. But, I guess it’s never too late to follow a dream, right? Now is not the time, but trust me, you’re going to hear more about the RV in future posts.

My bliss...

I’m going to do some traveling. Sometimes in the RV, other times the normal way by planes, trains, and automobiles. In fact, as I write this, I am in Florida. It’s an October evening, tomorrow it’s going to be in the 80’s and I’m right across the road from the ocean. God is good indeed. I traveled here with a dear friend. She and I have known each other for over thirty years and when we put our heads together, the fun just shows up. And, thanks to another dear friend, we have a lovely place to lay our heads at night.

Is my life the way I planned it? No. But, Someone planned it. Someone else is in charge of it, and my job is to surrender my will and recalculate my direction. But most importantly, I must continue to live it like a believer. So, Year Two begins. Check in and join me on the journey from time to time. I can’t promise you that everyday will be good news, but I can guarantee that the journey will teach us all how baby steps can get us to the finish line.

Later,

deb