Thursday, October 17, 2013

Over There...

The Hubs at his best.
LuLu waits for me in the garage. I haven’t had the heart to take her out for a ride. Gary fixed her flat tire a few weeks ago but then his health started deteriorating rather quickly. LuLu is just one of the many things around the house here that remind me of what I’ve lost, what my children have lost, what our friends have lost. Gary is gone from this earth but oh, his presence is strong. The fact that I can still feel him in a room brings great comfort, however, it also summons an arrow straight through the heart at times. Last night I finally got around to putting some clean clothes away that had been sitting in the clothesbasket since last weekend… Gary’s clothes. The shirt he wore just last week. His socks. The arrow that sliced through me during that little exercise was on fire and lined with razor blades.
Gary died one week ago today (Wednesday). I feel like I’ve aged one hundred years since I last touched his hand. I know I must live in this place of shadows for a while yet, but for how long I wonder? I go from numb to throbbing in a blink. How cruel is death that it leaves the rest of us here like scattered debris? In this world death is the bully who thumps his chest and struts and dares anyone to defy him.
Good thing I’m not from this world. Better yet, neither was Gary. Here, death is the ugly victor. But Over There, where my Hubs now stands, death was nothing but a doorknob. I’m not saying this to try and ease my sorrow. No words are magical enough to do that.  I say this because it’s true. On the Other Shore is Home. While I lament the loss of my husband and wish this sorrow upon no one, for brief moments in between the tears, I see something. It’s only a momentary flash of something beautiful and breathe-taking. A place that is light and full and good. Mind you, it’s only a flash and then it’s gone, covered up by falling pieces of a broken heart. But I know it’s there, just over there. And I know Gary is there, doing only our Lord knows what. Truly.
Someday I’ll be able to sustain the image longer. It won’t be any time soon, but it will come. It will come. It will… I believe this. Truly.

“And the twelve gates were twelve pearls, each one of the gates was a single pearl.  And the street of the city was pure gold, like transparent glass.  I saw no temple in it, for the Lord God the Almighty and the Lamb are its temple. And the city has no need of the sun or of the moon to shine on it, for the glory of God has illumined it, and its lamp is the Lamb.” ~ Revelation 21: 21-23


Annie Short said...

I am again so sorry for your loss and can only imagine a little how difficult this must be. Losing my mom only two months ago, it has been the hardest thing I have ever experienced. I never thought it would be so difficult, especially knowing that I would see her again some day. However your words in your blog help me realize that my feelings are real and natural. Thanks for sharing your heart and know that I am praying for you and the family as we all mend during these difficult times.

The LuLu Chronicles said...

Thank you, Annie. I know your heart is breaking over the loss of your mom. But haven't we both been so blessed because they loved us so well. Love you, dear friend.

Alilly said...

You are such a strong woman! Your words have incredible power behind them that it moved me from where I am. I hope to visit as soon as my semester lifts up just enough so I can. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Mike James said...

Our hearts also grieve with you. But I have such fond memories of Gary. The first thing I see is his broad smile. And I can even remember a smile darkened with the stain of a black rubber washer! (Inside joke for just the four of us).
Gary is happy now, free from pain. And we look forward to a great, great reunion.
And maybe then, if the Lord wills, we can laugh at our foibles of the past in the old HU trailer park, your silly black and white dog, and that Opel you filled before putting IT into a U-Haul.
Blessings to you, sweet Debbie.

Karen Kennamer said...

Johnny and I are so sorry to hear about Gary's passing. Our heart goes out to you. We remember when we were all young and working with small, struggling churches - you and Gary in Dixon, Ron and Linda in Clinton and Johnny and I in Princton. They are good memories of both of you. You will be in our prayers.

The LuLu Chronicles said...

Thank you, dear friends, for your love and kind thoughts. The days are long and uphill, but our God is always standing near...