Tuesday, August 12, 2014

How am I doing?


How am I doing? I get asked that a lot and it’s okay. I know that those around me mean it sincerely, that they truly want to know, to help if they can. But the truth is, I don’t know. I don’t know how I’m doing from one day to the next. It changes with the wind, or a full moon, or a rainy day, or if I’ve opened his sock drawer (still full of socks by the way). It’s been ten months since Gary’s death and some days are rougher than others... still.
Grief is a nasty friend. As I’ve mentioned before I want to ring it out as tightly as if it were a soggy towel and only when it’s totally dry will I know I’m there, that I’ve gotten all I can out of it. Done. Healed. Over it.
But, how does one ‘get over it’? Can you really? I don’t know. It’s frightening how much I simply do not know.
But here’s what I do know. Let’s take inventory. After ten months of lamenting the loss of my husband of forty-three years, the love of my life, my best friend, my partner, my boyfriend, here’s how I’m doing:
~ I still feel like he’s going to walk through the back door any minute with his backpack and briefcase and kiss me ‘hello’.
~ Every time I pull into the driveway I still get sucker-punched in the stomach with the realization that he’s not here.
~ Going to church is excruciating. He was my preacher. My preacher is gone.
~ At times, this house we lived in is the most comforting place I want to be. At other times, it feels like a ghost town.
With all that said, I think I’m better. A smidgeon better. Why do I say that? Because:
            ~ I’ve laughed a lot this summer. I thought I might have forgotten how by now.
~ I’ve traveled. Texas, Arkansas, Tennessee, Minnesota, Guatemala and our Christian camp. And while all those trips and experiences were hard, they also did their part to help heal the hole that has been punctured in my life.
~ I can now sit through an entire church service without crying... sometimes.
~ My children are mourning too, yet when we are all together, Gary is here, and it is good.
~ I walk upright.
~ I’ve bought a bow and some arrows, and a big yellow target for the backyard. It’s something I’ve wanted to do for a long time. I’ve now done it.
~ I can mow without crying.
~ When I pray, I don’t always talk about myself.
Those are a just a few of the indicators that I’m not where I was ten months ago. I’m inching forward, to where I’m not sure, but it is forward motion all the same. It’s getting closer to the time when I going to have to start making some big decisions. But I’ll think about that another day. How am I, you ask?
Better. Not standing still. Only occasionally falling backwards. Still have dark days. Still cry. But, I’m laughing more. And not once, ever, not one time, have I felt God leave the room. For now, this is enough.
Thanks for asking.

1 comment:

Andrew Frazier said...

great seeing you at camp. love ya Deb.