Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Warning... it's not pretty

My latest painting. Can you find me?


I won’t lie to you; today was a day of shadows. Menacing ones that followed me, taunted me and took great glee in reminding me of the total, all-encompassing cloud of loss in which I am now living. Loss is the domino effect times 1,409. So much of what I loved about my life has been hammered, thrashed and crushed into dust.
While watching granddaughters weave and wobble on skates in the driveway on a delightful autumn afternoon, suddenly a shadow darkened over me and reminded this widow that Papa wasn’t there to share the giggles. Nothing is sacred.
A decision was made today. I will sell our house. And, with that one decision the finality of loss jabbed its icy fingers through my soul and hissed a curse that all has changed forevermore. It’s not the selling of a house that devastates, it’s the deconstruction of a life, a home, a family gathering place, a love nest, a partnership, a shared dream, a future that will be no more. A wife loses her home, a son loses his familial classroom on Fatherhood 101, and a grandchild loses their innocence. Loss takes no prisoners.
Yeah, I’m being dramatic; at least it feels that way. I smile. I do okay. I make it work. I move forward. I’ve even laughed out loud in the last year, but the truth is I’m still sad. And every once in a while I have a day like today that rubs it in my face just in case I might have forgotten.
Arrrggg! I want to shout bad words! I want to kick a cat! I want to slap an annoying person, any annoying person will do! I want to run until I can’t breath and don’t know where I am! I want to chew on glass and spit it in Satan’s face! I want to pull and rip my clothing and shake my fist! I want to collapse onto the cold, wet ground and weep until my bones grow brittle! I want so much I can’t have and won’t ever have again. At least it feels that way eleven months, twenty-two days, and sixteen hours since I lost my husband. Shadows. Dark shadows.
“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things...  for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.”  Philippians 4: 8-13

God, forgive me. Have mercy on my soul. Pull me from the shadows. Take my hand and show me how to do this...

1 comment:

Ivan said...

Blessings on your decision; I know it was a hard one.