Monday, November 17, 2014

I want to be there...


What to write about? Are you bored with me yet? Sometimes, I am. I can’t seem to burst through this clouded bubble I find myself in. I’m tired of including myself in my own prayers. I’m tired of making a decision one day and doubting it the next. I’m tired of the lack of clarity. I’m tired of God.
I didn’t mean to write that last sentence. I had no intention of writing that sentence. I haven’t even thought that sentence until right this minute. But, if I am to be honest I guess it’s true. I am tired of God. I’m tired of Him making me guess. I’m tired of this code language He seems to speak. I’m tired of weeping and begging for clarity and not receiving it.
I think I finally get the rebellious attitudes of the Israelites of long, long ago. You know, the whiny ones? God led them and fed them with such awesome flair, yet they still whined. I mean God placed this huge bonfire in the sky every night to remind them that He was standing by. During the day this incredible cloud probably the size and bulk of the Grand Canyon led them through the hot desert. Can you imagine the shade that thing offered? And, to top it off, He made their supper every night. If I were a woman back in the day who herded the goats, took care of the fourteen sons every man seemed required to sire, and was expected to make all of their clothes right down to their sandals, I don’t think you would have heard one ungrateful chirp from me when supper came floating down from the sky. Even with all the hands-on guidance and nurturing, God still made them wander in circles in the desert for 40 years! Forty years! Manna or not, they had to be tired, right? No wonder they built that silly cow idol thingy. That stupid hunk of gold made about as much sense as God did to them. “Feed us.  Give us a road map.  Then lead us around in circles until most of us die off. What’s the point?” Yep, they were tired.
Don’t get me wrong. God has taken care of me.  Since the day Gary died, He has crowded the room with His Presence. Yet ... I’m still tired that every step has been so ... so ... so like a guessing game.
Yep, I’m tired. I’m saying stupid things. Things that don’t make sense. Things I don’t even believe. Things I don’t mean. I’m not tired of God, not really. But, I do wish He’d fire up that pillar just for one night. Write something on a wall. Give me a dream or a vision.
I’m tired. I want ... to be there already. This one step in front of the other; This breathe in and breathe out; This one day at a time business is breaking me down.
I’m so very tired.
“Father, forgive me.”


Lindsey Hoffman said...

Hugs to you, friend. No way around it - this is the pits! Thank you for being so honest here. Your "Grief Observed" is a great gift to those of us following along.

Cathy Messecar said...

Amen, Lindsey.