Before and After...

An 'after' photo. Zella, Gary and Murphy.

THE LULU CHRONICLES

LuLu is getting impatient. If it isn’t snowing, it’s raining. If it isn’t doing either of those, the wind is out of control. If I weren’t such a wuss I’d just bundle up and get out there. But a wuss I am. So I stay inside and make juice.

This morning’s juice was kale, celery, radishes, pears and apples. A bit mossy, but good. I followed that with a Greek yogurt smoothie with orange juice, blueberries, strawberries and a banana. Hmm, good. The goal is to boost Gary’s immune system so we can do our part to help these treatments kick major cancer butt. Juice on, dude!

This is a short week in the Cleveland house. We’re off Wednesday to Mayo for the second round of ‘ipi’ treatments and probably won’t be back until Friday. It’s our new new normal. We pack, we go, we hang out at Mayo for tests, scans and infusion, we come home, we unpack. We wait three weeks and then we do it again. I don’t recognize my own life. I feel myself beginning to forget what my life was like before…before the diagnosis. I’m forgetting what it feels like to wake in the morning without this knot in my stomach. I’m forgetting what carefree feels like. I’m forgetting... many things.

Before. I want it back.

But, that’s not going to happen. Before is no more. So, I have a choice to make. Whine and lament what I’ve lost, or embrace and be thankful for what I still have. My fleshly self wants to ‘waller’ in self-pity. I want to do the “Why me?! Dance” with flourish (trust me, I would be good at it.). I want… many things.

But, God expects me to be better than that. Is He asking too much? Well, I’m still standing, so I guess not. So, I’m going to choose to be thankful instead. Thankful that Gary is still standing as well. He’s big, he’s still strong, those huge, lovely hands of his still grip mine with warmth and tenderness. We still laugh. We still embrace. We still sit silently next to each other and read. We still do … many things.

After. We now live in the after. The after includes many juices. The after still includes bike rides very soon.  The after. I’m praying it still includes happily, ever after…

Later, dear friends,

deb