THE LULU CHRONICLES
|The Hubs and Nellie Rose on the porch.|
“Her voice is still vivid. The remembered voice—that can turn me at any moment to a whimpering child.” ~ C.S. Lewis- A Grief Observed
Yesterday I was rummaging through the photos on my iPhone when I suddenly came across a video I hadn’t remembered recording. It was a week before the Hubs died and he was on the back porch holding our youngest granddaughter, Nellie Rose. I hesitated, not sure if I wanted to touch the little arrow that would make the scene before me come alive. But, Gary’s smile and Nellie Rose’s smile was too inviting. Instantly I heard the Hubs singing to the granddaughter. It was a little song he had made up about how much he loved her. Nellie Rose giggled and nestled into his chest. The scene was lovely, but it was his voice that made my heart flicker. That voice, that sweet, lovely voice. No one sang like Gary Cleveland. His soft, perfectly pitched tenor was one of the reasons I fell in love with him. Oh, there were many other reasons for sure, but that voice was God given and always made me weak in the knees.
I’ve played that little thirty-second video a dozen times now. There are so many things I miss about the Hubs. So many things I long for, but the thought of never hearing him sing again is unbearable. It’s a good thing I don’t believe that for a second. I will hear that voice again. I will be able to pick it out among the chorus of angels. I will. I simply will.
Delayed gratification is something we worked very hard to teach our boys when they were growing up. We felt it built character and helped prepare them to handle whatever life would throw at them. You may have the candy but you must wait until after supper. You may go to the movies when your chores are done. You may play outside once your homework is completed. So, why should I not yield to that discipline now as well? Life has thrown me a huge, ugly, hairy curve ball and the only way I’m going to get through this is if my character is up to it.
I want to hear Gary’s voice again. I want to close my eyes and lean my head back and hear him reach the high notes in the song, I will Glorify as only he could do. I want that more than I want to breathe.
And, I shall have it.
After my work is done.