Wednesday, August 28, 2013

I appreciate my sorrow...


The Hubs & Me
What I love about my life today: Okay, so ‘love’ is too strong of a word. Let me rephrase. What I appreciate about my life today? I appreciate the ability to feel sorrow. Yeah, I know that sounds weird, but it’s true. I appreciate and cling to the fact that I’m able to feel at all and that sorrow allows me to mourn openly what needs to be mourned. Bit by bit I’m losing my husband. The cancer is winning the battle. This week’s trip to Mayo revealed that to me more than most. We had some good news. The blood tests revealed that Gary’s liver is holding its on. I don’t know how or why with twelve tumors making a home in it, but it is. That’s good news. However, the blood test also revealed something else- his LDH (lactate dehydrogenase, yeah, me either) levels are higher. These elevated levels could be good news or bad news, only a CT scan will tell. It means either the cancer cells are breaking up or the cancer is spreading. Those are my only two choices. Of course you know which I’m rooting for. The fact that our doctor forgot to order a CT for this visit allows the suspense to go on for another week. (I’m not mad at our doc for this oversight. He really is a sweet man and a good doctor. Unfortunately, he’s only human ... like me. Sobering.)
But here’s the deal, even if the CT scan reveals that the cancer cells are breaking up, our doctor cautioned us to remember that this will only be temporary. The cancer will eventually wizen up to the fact that we’re kicking butt and will regroup and outsmart the chemo. We are only buying time not saving a life. Believe me, I’ll take what I can get, but unless our Good Lord intervenes and I believe He can, (I believe He is all powerful, I believe He loves me, I believe He knows what I want and I believe He is compassionate. What I also believe is that life on this earth isn’t supposed to last forever. I believe that life, true life, follows death.) Gary only has a year at the most.
So, I grieve. I feel sorrow down to my marrow. Sometimes, I feel the sorrow so deeply I can hardly breathe. Sometimes the sorrow is like a doughy lump of clay lodged in the pit of my stomach. And sometimes sorrow comes as a release, a blessed release that allows me to weep, wail and drop to my knees. That is when it is a gift, a glorious gift of release. This release empties me and allows me to start over, to stand upright and greet the challenge of the day head on. I appreciate the sorrow. It keeps me on task, focused on the here and now. My sorrow prods me to remember that time is short, do not waste it.
And really, isn’t that true for us all? It’s just that my life has been given a timeline that I can hold in my hand. You have one too, it just hasn’t been revealed as clearly as mine. Don’t waste your days on frivolous thought or petty time consumers. Reach out, hug, touch, and by all means, say the precious words that need to be said.
I appreciate my sorrow. It has opened my eyes to the Glory ahead. Cancer may win the battle, but my Love, my sweet Hubs, will win an Angel-escorted walk toward Something and SomeOne so much better.  
I appreciate my sorrow.


Daryl Miller said...

Love is to mild of a word for what I feel for you and Gary. Your faith and courage are an example for me to reach for. Thank you for your words. Thank you for being Christ in the flesh. I wish with all my heart God had blessed me with the gift of healing but instead it seems He has blessed you with the gift of wisdom and faith. May He continue to stay by your side. His... Daryl

Daryl Miller said...

Daryl Miller

listening said...

Dear Deb, Thank you for continually sharing your wisdom and growth with us- the onlookers/friends/family who love you both. It is a holy miracle that the debilitating burdens characteristic of grief have a mechanism for release. The tears and wailing you speak of are
instinctual - built right in by our loving Father - who draws near to us in our darkest moments. My prayers for you are that each day His love and comfort are evident.