But, here we are...

The Hubs at Mayo getting infusion.

THE LULU CHRONICLES

The cute guy in the picture is the Hubs getting his second ‘ipi’ infusion yesterday. Cute guy, huh? We’ve had a good report this trip. Gary is still basically symptom-less when it comes to his cancer. How one can have six, deadly cancerous tumors embedded in their liver and not feel it, beats me, but here we are. His blood work came back all good. If we hadn’t seen the tumors on the scans ourselves, we’d have a hard time believing they are there. And thanks to all of our juicing efforts Gary’s blood pressure was the lowest it’s ever been.

Life is odd and sickness is even odder. Is that a real word ‘odder’? Probably not, but I’m a writer so I get to make up my own words when it suits me. Sickness is odd. It takes a perfectly healthy body and screws it up. Who’s idea was this?

I know whose it wasn’t. Remember the Garden of Eden? Perfection. Two beautiful, perfectly healthy people; A bunch of perfectly healthy animals; Fruit trees with no worms; Crystal clear brooks and ponds; Fish with no mercury; Lush foliage; No mosquitoes (if there were, they were all vegetarians back then); No decay; No germs; No sickness; And then…Wham! The bite that was heard around the world!

Before Eve could even swallow decay begun. The first wrinkle appeared. The first cough could be heard. The first burp, upset stomach, bile and so it began. Sickness and death soon followed.

Gary is sick, but you won’t hear this woman blame God. Could He heal Gary? Yes. Could He stop this cancer in its tracks? Yes. Could He remove the sickness from his body and place it into some unsuspecting hogs? I believe He could.

Could He put an end to all unrest and hatred? Yes. Could He have stopped the destruction and pain of 9/11? Yes? Could He balance the budget? Yes. But here we are.

My faith in the power of God has nothing to do with my comfort level. My belief that God created the earth and Jesus came and saved the earth has nothing to do with whether I’m pleased with the way things are going.

God is. He knows. He sees. He comforts. He weeps. Just like He did on Day One, or whatever day that was that Eve heard that ill-fated “hiss”.

His plan was perfect. His power is absolute. His compassion unfathomable. It is my understanding of it all that is a little suspect.

Gary is a cute patient. His liver is behaving for now. My beloved God has held that liver in His hands. I will trust Him to do with it what He wills…

Later,

deb

Before and After...

An 'after' photo. Zella, Gary and Murphy.

THE LULU CHRONICLES

LuLu is getting impatient. If it isn’t snowing, it’s raining. If it isn’t doing either of those, the wind is out of control. If I weren’t such a wuss I’d just bundle up and get out there. But a wuss I am. So I stay inside and make juice.

This morning’s juice was kale, celery, radishes, pears and apples. A bit mossy, but good. I followed that with a Greek yogurt smoothie with orange juice, blueberries, strawberries and a banana. Hmm, good. The goal is to boost Gary’s immune system so we can do our part to help these treatments kick major cancer butt. Juice on, dude!

This is a short week in the Cleveland house. We’re off Wednesday to Mayo for the second round of ‘ipi’ treatments and probably won’t be back until Friday. It’s our new new normal. We pack, we go, we hang out at Mayo for tests, scans and infusion, we come home, we unpack. We wait three weeks and then we do it again. I don’t recognize my own life. I feel myself beginning to forget what my life was like before…before the diagnosis. I’m forgetting what it feels like to wake in the morning without this knot in my stomach. I’m forgetting what carefree feels like. I’m forgetting... many things.

Before. I want it back.

But, that’s not going to happen. Before is no more. So, I have a choice to make. Whine and lament what I’ve lost, or embrace and be thankful for what I still have. My fleshly self wants to ‘waller’ in self-pity. I want to do the “Why me?! Dance” with flourish (trust me, I would be good at it.). I want… many things.

But, God expects me to be better than that. Is He asking too much? Well, I’m still standing, so I guess not. So, I’m going to choose to be thankful instead. Thankful that Gary is still standing as well. He’s big, he’s still strong, those huge, lovely hands of his still grip mine with warmth and tenderness. We still laugh. We still embrace. We still sit silently next to each other and read. We still do … many things.

After. We now live in the after. The after includes many juices. The after still includes bike rides very soon.  The after. I’m praying it still includes happily, ever after…

Later, dear friends,

deb

Daddy preached...

 

THE LULU CHRONICLES

The barn where Gary has preached the last 36 years.

The LuLu Chronicles started out as a journal of sorts to record my journey toward better health, physical, emotional, and spiritual. I have battled for years to get back to my ‘fighting weight’ with only temporary success, and I’m always trying to improve and make more relevant my spiritual journey. As for my emotional health, who isn’t a little nutso at times, right? But, never did I think I would be chronicling our journey with cancer and how this journey affects all of the above. We’ve taken a turn in the road that is full of bumps and so far, seems to be uphill all the way.

The Hubs is doing okay this week. With one ‘ipi’ treatment down, the side effects haven’t been too bad. This drug is a slow builder, so his symptoms will more than likely worsen as we go along. But for now, a little bit of stomach stuff, a bout with dizziness, and some fatigue seem to be the worst of it. After a couple of weeks off he is so looking forward to preaching this coming Sunday.

Sunday. This day defines our family more than any other. The first day of the week. The Lord’s Day. This is the day, as young parents, we got up earlier than the other days. I’d get up a whole hour earlier than the fam so I could get myself dressed and breakfast on the table before I woke the kids up. Gary would rise, shower, dress and then sit in our living room and look over his lesson with a cup of coffee in hand. As we entered the church building, which for us for the last thirty years or so has been a renovated diary barn, the worries of the world were left on the doorstep. Inside serious business was going on. Formation of spirits, and character were being molded. Communion, hymns, prayer and fellowship were manna to our souls. And, for our family, daddy preached.

Daddy is still preaching. He stills sits on his stool. He opens his Bible and he tells us stories, stories that inspire, challenge, make us laugh and always, always make us better. My prayer request this week is that you ask our Father to allow Gary to keep doing His bidding for Him; To give him strength and health enough to keep doing what he has been called to do for as long as he can. Pray that God will continue to be honored by my sweet Hubs and his wise, humble words.

It’s Thursday… but Sunday’s coming.

deb

Mine does ...

My sweet daughters (inlaw) Sarah & Erin.

 

THE LULU CHRONICLES

Outside the birds are chirping and the sun is shining—should be spring, right? Well it would be if the temps weren’t in the twenties and a wind chill in the teens. Mr. Ground Hog, I want to hunt you down! Hence, LuLu still sits in the garage and Rusty (my exercise bike), the sidekick, awaits upstairs with a nasty grin.

Last week was one for the books. My daughter-in-law Erin and her kids (my sweet grandchildren) were here, and Erin was on a mission: rid our cupboards of bad foods and fill them with cancer-fighting superheroes. She worked her fingers to the bone, but mission was accomplished. Then Easter weekend was upon us and the rest of our kids and grandkids descended upon us (minus a son and grandchild…missed them terribly). Sarah joined Erin and all kitchen duties were taken care of. The kids played around us, under us, over us. Eggs were colored, hunted and eaten. Chocolate bunnies became extinct (once again) and these old wooden floors became Holy Ground (once again).

And then… we worshipped together. As the thirteen of us sat on a row at church a God-thing happened. My heart, that is cracked, weighted with sorrow, and barely able to move me through my days, began to thump harder and stronger. The weight on my shoulders sagging with worry over Gary’s return of cancer began to lighten with each hymn. As several grandchildren took turns sitting on my lap, my shriveled soul once again expanded inside of me. As I sat and listened to the story of our Christ’s resurrection, while coloring on my lap with Isamae and Kasia (our four-year-old twin granddaughters) God whispered my name. When Gary passed me a communion tray over the sweet heads of grandchildren, our fingers touched and my love for him, my faith in our risen Savior and the compassion of our God flowed through me and I knew… we would get through this. Whether the cancer goes or stays or harms, the miracle had already happened. The miracle of family—people who love you unconditionally. Who does that anymore? Mine does.

If you have a family like mine, cherish them. If your family is broken, be the one to fix it. If your family is scattered, be the one to call them home. Do not take this miracle for granted.

Spring will come. LuLu (my pink bike) and I will ride again. And if God is gracious, my love, Gary, will ride with me (if I push him out the door and make him).

Later,

deb

We know WHO can...

Papa and Kasia

THE LULU CHRONICLES

Hey, family & friends,

 I’ve decided to use LuLu’s Chronicles to give updates on our cancer journey. So if you want to find out how we’re doing, please check here from time to time. We’re home now. Gary had his first ‘ipi’ treatment last Friday at Mayo. It’s an immune therapy drug that, hopefully, will help his body stand up and fight the cancer. Not too many side effects so far.

Last weekend, most of our family came and we enjoyed some time together. Our daughter-in-laws have decided that fighting cancer means eating lots of cancer fighting foods. Hence, the delicious spinach lasagna we enjoyed last weekend, made by Sarah. And this week, Erin and the kids have stayed with us to make all kinds of juices from veggies and fruits. Who knew that chard would taste so good through a straw? She’s been working so hard to make main dishes fortified with cancer-fighting combatants like beets, broccoli and other good stuff. She’s made us this whole wheat bread filled with flax seeds and tree bark (just kidding) that would crack the marble countertop if dropped, but is wonderful tasting.  She’s freezing things like wheat and flaxseed and lemon pancakes and cleaning out all my ‘bad’ foods from the cupboard that contain sugar and other ingredients none of us can pronounce much less should be putting in our bodies.

On Monday, a friend from church who is a massage therapist, came and gave Erin and I each a one-hour massage. She said it was her way of helping us with the fight.

We received cards and emails and Facebook messages from all over the country that have warmed our hearts and made us truly feel that we are not in this fight alone.

The other day our doctor spent lots of time with us explaining and answering questions. He’s a Believer and even asked us if we needed time to pray about our next steps. We told me him ‘no’ that that was already covered by an army of folks. We told him we were ready for treatment. He continued to explain that melanoma is not curable, but that he’d do all he could to help us with this fight. He did say though, “If the next time we take a PET scan and find the cancer is gone, we’ll know that I had nothing to do with it.”

Our doctor cannot heal Gary’s cancer. But, we all know Who can. I can’t tell you what a blessing it is that our doctor with all his education, research and experience knows that too.

We’re doing okay for now. We feel loved, supported, and prayed up and down over. We truly do not feel we deserve such honor, but are so grateful you’re all willing to give it.

Love you all,

deb

I feel...

THE LULU CHRONICLES

Sorry, folk. I've been remiss in my blogging. If you've followed me at all, you know my time has been taken over by the Hub's diagnosis of Stage Four Melanoma. This is an odd place to be. A strange, foreign land. I'm not prepared. If warned, I probably wouldn't be prepared. I don't think anyone is prepared for this type of illness. It just comes. It just happens. And... there you are in a fight for your life, sharks circling.

We're in Rochester, MN at Mayo Clinic this week. We've chosen a fairly new treatment plan with the drug ipilimumab. Yeah, I can't pronounce it either. For the past two and half days we've been waiting for our insurance company to approve this treatment. For the last 48 hours I've bounced back and forth between anger, frustration, fear, and weeping as I wait on these nameless, faceless folks to make a judgement on my husband's life. They don't know him. They have never treated him. And, their top priority to is save the company money, and then somewhere down their list of priorities Gary's name finally comes up. Yeah, I'm being too harsh. They do have names. They do have faces. They have families of their own. They are just doing their jobs. I will pray for them. What a terrible job it must be.

At this moment, the Hubs and I are sitting at a McDonald's biding time. I slept horribly last night even with two Tylenol PMs. My mind refused to shut down. Funny, I don't feel tired today though. What I feel is God. I feel His presence. I can almost feel his breath on the back of my neck. His knees under the table where we're sitting. The sun is shining outside. Snow is piled in the streets. Angels crowd the room. And I feel that we are going to be okay.

love you all,
deb

Update...

THE LULU CHRONICLES

Well, it wasn’t a shoe…

They did find cancer in Gary’s liver and it is inoperable. There is also a cancerous lymph node in his pelvic area. With these new sightings Gary is now considered in Stage Four Melanoma.  We will come back to Mayo next week to meet with our new Medical Oncologist to map out a plan of chemotherapy. Fortunately, just this past January, two new drugs have been approved for the treatment of melanoma and they have had some impressive results thus far. Gary is also a good candidate for a research/trial that we will discuss with the doc next week. 

      I know it’s scary. Gary and I have felt the whole gamut of emotions in just a few hours. But a couple of things we have not felt are hopeless nor alone. A battle is ahead of us for sure, but with your love and our Father’s faithfulness, we will march into it together. 

     Below is my favorite quote. My greatest desire is to one day be able to pray this prayer with all sincerity and confidence. Please pray it with me now….

"Abba, I abandon myself into your hands.  Do with me what you will.  Whatever you may do, I thank you.  I am ready for all; I accept all.  Let your will be done in me and all your creatures.  I wish no more than this, O Lord.  Into your hands, I commend my spirit.  I offer it to you with all the love of my heart, for I love you, Lord, and I give myself, surrender myself into your hands without reserve, with boundless confidence, for you are my father."

I love you all,

Deb